When I think about cross dressing the woman from the story in my first blog is never far from my thoughts. I remember the story describing her slender body in jeans that hugged her figure and the blouse that was billowy but showed enough shape and definition that the firm breasts were obvious. I remember how the woman was confident about who she was and that it was her, that noticed the man, it was her that called him into the shop, it was her that challenged him on staring at her and it was her that instigated sex by taking control of the matter.
It was the confidence of this woman that appealed to me and still does. I recognised in this woman a level of confidence and authority that I lacked when I wore my jean and t-shirt. I found the confidence she had in herself intoxicating. At the timeI did not realise these feeling and I just found her confidence a turn on and for years I craved this type of woman. Somebody who will take control and put me in my place. I have since discovered that this level of control manifests itself in my desire to have a woman strip back my masculinity by dressing me as a female and taking on the stereotypical role of a female.
The woman in the story awakened my sexual urges but I found that those urges were never truly reproduced until I slipped on the first pair of silk knickers. The actual thought process from looking at the lingerie pages of a catalogue, to looking in the knicker drawer of my mother to touching them and then wearing them escapes me. I can only assume that I was suitably curious enough to make each of those steps and in the heat of the moment saw nothing wrong with the actions but just assumed thats what all boys do. However, what I do know is that when I stepped into those knickers the first time I felt a level of sexual confidence that I had never felt before and it to was intoxicating. I did not know it at the time but I had started to feel how I imagined the woman in the story had felt (it took me a long time to make that connection and by the time I got there I was well on my journey of crossdressing and self realisation). At first I was happy to just use knickers to satisfy my craving for this sexual feeling but soon I discovered nylons. It was when I plucked up the confidence to put a pair of tights on for the first time that the sexual brain cells exploded. I have never felt something as empowering as tights. To this day they are still the my favourite item to wear and they instantly transform me from feeling like a weird man in knickers to a confident human who has sex appeal. This is heightened by the addition of heels (but we will get to them later).
The downside to these initial footsteps into crossdressing was the guilt, the hatred and the disgust I felt towards myself as I took the clothes off. This was of course coupled with my worries of being caught. Would my mother discover her tights had been worn?, would I put the clothes back in the wrong place?, would somebody come home and see me in knickers and tights with a “hard on”. I hated myself but I was constantly drawn back to repeating the actions over and over again. I am not a religious person but I found myself believing I was going to hell. over the years I have even prayed to god and asked for help in moving away from the feelings. I have since realised that these feelings are wrong and that it is ok to crossdress but for a long time I viewed myself a degenerate. It is hard to truly explain the roller coaster of emotions that I felt but if you can imagine a 13 year old boy sitting in the bath scrubbing at his skin and praying to a god, asking for forgiveness and help in not repeating the actions you will start to understand how the elation of feeling empowered was easily replaced after I had released my sexual energy.